I Wanted You More Than You'll Ever Know...

 ..."so I sent love to follow wherever you go." 

       I read the pages of that book over and over to my daughter. Nancy Tillman really has perfected the art of writing sweet books that make hormonal mommies cry. (not that that is difficult - just ask my husband) I can't imagine what thoughts are running through the mind of my 6 month old. I'm pretty sure she just thinks her mommy is crazy. Oh well, she'll think that eventually I guess.

        Becoming a mom was something that I always wanted. I guess you could say that it was on my bucket list? Man, was I in for a surprise! I was so miserable during that last month of pregnancy. I just wanted to hold and cuddle my baby girl instead of having her kick my bladder every five minutes. Fast forward a few weeks... I remember coming home from the hospital and thinking, "Now what?" This tiny person can't do anything. (except for eat, sleep, and poop - a lot) She can't talk to me. She can't laugh or smile at me.

I'm being very real when I say that those six weeks were the hardest thing I have ever experienced. 

But no one tells you that. Why? I'm convinced it's why no one talks about childbirth. We'd have a population crisis on our hands because no one would be having children. I beat myself up a lot those first few weeks. Becoming a mom was something that I always wanted so why was I not easily falling into the role? 

        It took some time (and a lot of poopy diapers, sleepless nights, and breast feeding complications) to find my our groove. I looked for the good in every day, dressed my daughter up, put a bow in her hair, visited as many people as I could, snapped a lot of photos, read sweet stories to her, and sang/cuddled her to sleep. I'm a far cry from the mommy I pictured myself to be. (yep, I totally lick the pacifier instead of washing it if it falls on the floor) But I love my daughter deeply and more every single day. And those first six weeks? They sound like forever, but you blink and they're over, and you feel like a normal human being again. (sometimes) I'll blink again, she'll be walking, and those first six weeks will be a distant memory. 

 "You are my angel, my darling, my star, and my love will find you wherever you are."